I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. What do you say to someone when your first learn about their diagnosis? You have to say something… don’t you? Or maybe not? What if they don’t want to discuss it? Or perhaps they do? And if you keep silent, how do you ignore the pacing and pounding of the huge grey elephant in the room?
As someone who has been on the receiving end of a variety of different approaches and well-meaning health discussions, I think I might be reasonably qualified to answer this question. However, the simple fact is that everyone is different. That said there’s probably a few fundamental rules to abide by that would apply to most. And that’s the purpose of this post.
How to communicate with someone who has cancer.
A key recommendation would be to assess the situation and be led by the person with cancer. Let them steer the discussion. If they want to talk about it, they’ll let you know. If they’d rather discuss politics or their kids, then let them take the lead and join in.
When you’re diagnosed with cancer, you run through a series of emotions, running from anger, fear, worry, hope, joy… and knowing what stage the person with cancer is at, is going to be essential to communication. And you find that out by listening.
Listen.
Ask them if they want to talk about it. If they do, let them talk. If they don’t – don’t assume they’re bottling it up. It’s not your job to uncork them. Sometimes, when you’re processing your predicament, steering your mind away from reality can be really helpful.
Let them know you’re there for them.
Silence is OK.
Don’t feel the need to plug every gap in the conversation with well-meaning and philosophical dialogue. Just enjoy the silence. They might be processing their thoughts in your company.
Listen again.
If they do start talking about their predicament, then listen. Acknowledge what they’re saying. Tell them you’re sorry. Ask them how you can help, just don’t try and offer morsels of wisdom or start quoting from self-help books. That’s well-meaning but irritating.
Don’t overload them with your own emotions. If you do feel emotional, try and hold it back, unless you really feel like your friend will benefit from it. By all means communicate your feelings about the situation – angry, sad, whatever it may be – but keep those emotions in check.
Talk about other stuff too.
Most cancer patients don’t want to discuss their predicament 24/7. Again, you need to read the situation, but personally, I have found it unhelpful to talk endlessly about my situation.
It’s nice to talk about normal things too.
You don’t need to always bring it up every time you see them.
For me, this is a big one.
Once you feel you’ve had a chat, acknowledged their predicament and so on, don’t feel you need to bring it up each time you see them. If they want to, then great. But a lot of the time, they just want to move on, they don’t want to endlessly dwell.
If they want to talk about it, then by all means chat. But otherwise, just leave it and be led by them.
More: What NOT to say to someone who has cancer