Mostly, people are amazingly supportive. And people mean well. Problems seem to start to occur when people feel the need to philosophise. We don’t need Dale Carnegie. We just need your listening ear and friendship.
I’ve heard some absolute corkers since my diagnosis, and friends have told of others, so here’s my top ten or so list of things not to say to someone who has cancer.
You’ll be fine!
Really, since when did you get a crystal ball? Cancer is unpredictable and frightening. Of course, they’ll be positive, think positive and hope for the best – but this comment belittles the gravitas of the situation.
You’re too young to be getting cancer
Yes, this is true. But it’s not helpful to be processing this on top of everything else that has to be processed.
Everything happens for a reason
Yes, doesn’t it. They must have been a right little shit to have got this – that explains everything. This throwaway line is quite hurtful – almost as if you’re being taught a life lesson in some way. Don’t say it.
We’re all going to die someday
Yes, we are. But hearing this sort of philosophical nonsense that doesn’t make it any easier.
You must feel like you are on borrowed time?
Seriously? Yes, I have heard that people say this. Don’t be one of them.
Just stay positive
Sometimes it’s hard to positive when you are afraid of dying. Of course, there’s no doubt positivity helps people get through these situations, but it’s not helpful to be reminded to do it – most of the time, they’re trying to be positive. Nobody can be positive all the time, and it doesn’t help to be told to cheer up. Sometimes, a good old fashioned mope can do us good too!
So-and-so just had this-and-that, and such-and-such has just been diagnosed with…
We’re really sorry for so-and-so and such-and-such but it doesn’t make us feel better hearing about other people’s downfalls. We feel for them, and anyway it just adds more anxiety to the situation.
I’m worried about you
Who’s got the cancer? Don’t take over their emotional rollercoaster with your own set of emotions.
I know how you feel
Unlikely. You don’t, you really don’t. Listen and they’ll tell you how they feel.
You must feel like you’re waiting for the axe to fall?
Nope, but if I had an axe right now… In all seriousness, this is the worst possible thing you could say to someone. Don’t say it!
Technology is amazing – they’re finding cures all the time
We know you’re trying to reassure and give hope, but unless there truly is some miracle cure coming to market, this is giving false hope, and it isn’t helpful.